Cryin' For Me
by Bralt
Summary: Songfic for Cryin For Me by Toby Keith: Got the news on Friday morning/But a tear I couldn't find/You showed me how I am supposed to live/Now you showed me how to die/I was lost til Sunday morning/I woke up to face my fear/While writing you this goodbye song I found a tear


**Disclaimer: I do not own Ranger's Apprentice or any of its characters or the amazing song Cryin For Me by Toby Keith**

**Okay, so this is an amazing song that Luvergirl of Books recommended I do a songfic for. It's a bit of a downer but I really think you should take a look at it on youtube or something.**

**Got the news on Friday morning  
But a tear I couldn't find  
You showed me how I am supposed to live  
Now you showed me how to die  
I was lost til Sunday morning  
I woke up to face my fear  
While writing you this goodbye song I found a tear**

Pauline sat at her desk in her office looking over reports. It was as normal as any morning was as the sunlight came in through the high windows on her left. Altogether it was cheery as the rays warmed her and lighted up the desk in convenience. Glancing out the window, Pauline saw the faded light blue of the morning sky and smiled. It was a beautiful sight when viewed from this height in the castle. Down below people walked about with purpose more and more as the day began to get started.

Her thoughts now wandering to when Halt would be back from his mission, she returned to her papers. She wasn't even halfway through the paper when there was a knock at her door. Calling for them to enter, she smiled as she saw a messenger. Halt normally sent messengers before he arrived home and that's what she was expecting. Taking the letter from the man, she opened it as he closed the door on his exit.

One look at the writing told her it wasn't Halt's untidy scrawl but instead a neat calligraphic script as if a scribe had been issued to write it. Getting a bit nervous, she skimmed the letter. She only got through the first few sentences before she forced herself to go back to the beginning and read it truly. For what she had gathered while skimming couldn't be real. This time she only got through the first sentence before the letter slipped from her shaking fingers and landed on the desk. The dreaded first sentence read: On the fifth of the current month Ranger Halt O'Carrick was declared dead due to an injury sustained while on a mission for thou honorable King Duncan of Araluen.

Pauline sat there, not realizing she was gasping as if she wanted to cry. Covering her mouth with her hands and setting her elbows down on the desk, Pauline stared at the door across the room from her. Water glistened in her eyes though it didn't fall no matter how many times she blinked. She'd been with Halt for what seemed like forever; now that he was gone it simply didn't feel real. Like it was some cruel joke or something else that would explain it all. Life with Halt was basically all she was accustomed to, with him dying it felt as if something inside her had died as well.

Pauline forced herself to stand and gain some of her composure as she rushed back to her, their, room. Locking the door behind her, she sat down on the edge of the bed to stare at the door. He'd come back, he was on his way right this minute riding atop Abelard through villages and meadows. He was going to come back. Night fell and Pauline fell into a restless sleep. Eventually came the time to wake again and when she did she felt reality come give her a punch in the face as she realized Halt wasn't next to her.

Standing up and getting out of bed, she took a deep and steading breath. Heading towards the desk in the room, she took a seat and grabbed a piece of parchment and an inkwell with a feather. She'd heard this helped sometimes.

**I'm gonna miss that smile**  
**I'm gonna miss you my friend**  
**Even though it hurts the way it ended up**  
**I'd do it all again**

**So play it sweet in heaven**  
**Cause that's right where you wanna be**  
**I'm not cryin' cause I feel so sorry for you**  
**I'm cryin' for me**

She wrote about Halt and nothing more. She wrote about that one simple yet so genuine smile that he flashed sometimes. The smile he gave when they got married and how it was perhaps the only thing in the world that could give so much comfort. Perhaps it was because it was so rare that he gave it out that had made it so treasurable and memorable. It was a smile that not many saw and when they did see it, it made everything…better. He was a friend, that much came above all else. Pauline had known him as a friend long before a husband and that was how she came to love him. Losing a husband was one thing but perhaps losing a friend so close as to be your husband was worse.

As her quill scratched words across the parchment, Pauline noticed wet splotches were appearing and closed her eyes to let the tears finally fall down. It was painful, it was worse than anything that she had ever experienced but she knew she wouldn't have changed it. It would only have been worse if they'd never gotten as far as they had. The tears kept falling and she realized that they weren't for Halt. She knew he'd died in a way he would have found proper for himself and that he was bound for greatness. Even in the state he was in now. No, she was crying because she was now left without him whereas he was now where anybody might want to end up.

**I got up and dialed your number  
and your voice came on the line  
That old familiar message  
I've heard a thousand times  
It just said, sorry that I missed you  
Leave a message and God bless  
I know you think I'm crazy  
But I just had to hear your voice, I guess**

**I'm gonna miss that smile**  
**I'm gonna miss you my friend**  
**Even though it hurts the way it ended up**  
**I'd do it all again**

Forcing the tears back unsuccessfully, Pauline opened a desk drawer and dug around. She shoved aside parchment and a few other random objects before finding what she had been looking for. It was a portrait of Halt and herself. King Duncan had paid for the portrait to be made after the wedding by the finest painter in Araluen. The man had captured Halt's smile perfectly and his features were in amazing detail as well. From his graying hairs to his eyelashes, it looked exactly like him. She knew it was foolish staring at the portrait for as long as she was but she needed it. She hadn't thought to look at him quite so hard as he had left on the mission and all she wanted was to see him again. This was as close as she could get though. She'd looked at the picture before and she knew it like the back of her hand but something about looking at it now felt more comforting. If anything could be comforting now. All she had needed was to see that smile. To see what her husband had looked like in one of the happiest moments of his life was almost like being with him again, especially when the artist had done such a great job with the details.

**So play it sweet in heaven  
Cause thats right where you wanna be  
I'm not cryin' cause I feel so sorry for ya  
Im cryin' for me**

**Ohhh**

**So play your upside-down, left handed**  
**Backwards bass guitar**  
**I'll see you on the other side superstar**  
**I'm gonna miss that smile**  
**I'm gonna miss you my friend**  
**Even though it hurts the way it ended up**  
**I'd do it all again**  
**So play it sweet in heaven**  
**Cause thats right where you wanna be**  
**I'm not cryin' cause I feel so sorry for you**  
**Im cryin' for me**

**I'm still cryin'**  
**I'm cryin' for me**  
**Oh**  
**I'm still cryin'**

Before she could ruin the artistic likeness with her tears, Pauline replaced it and returned to her letter. The note was gathering in size and went onto the back and flowed onto another piece of parchment. It was long but how else was it supposed to be? It felt nice to remember the little things about him that made her smile. The most prominent thing was how he had had to get a custom bow fit for his size but still having the 80 pound draw weight. And perhaps another thing was how he acted a bit grumpier without his coffee. It was these small things that made him up and it was these things she would miss the most. How was she supposed to even get through this without seeing his smile on his living face? Not just in a picture? He had gone the way he wanted but where was she left now? She knew it was a tad selfish to think like this but she knew Halt wouldn't have wanted her to feel sorry for him, that would have just made things worse.

The letter went on, switching topics then returning to them only to leave them again. It didn't feel any better writing it, only making her feel worse as she remembered everything about him. Despite that, she couldn't stop. Even when the letter was done she couldn't bring herself to burn it like she had planned to, it was all she had to remember him by besides her memory and she didn't want to destroy it. Sitting down on the bed again, Pauline lay down and clutched the papers as tears forced paths down her already wet cheeks. It would get better…maybe though at this point there was no bright future she could foresee as the result of her crying soaked her face.

**Please Review**


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